hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
either way he was missing a nipple.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
