from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Randomize
