HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Hello my rib-scented angel!
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
