I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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