every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
