if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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