there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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