when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
