Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
