nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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