R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
