Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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