Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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