I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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