My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Randomize
