He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
