he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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