They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize
