You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
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