so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
