who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
