My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
