I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
