Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
