I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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