I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
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