Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
