3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
