i need an iv and a liver transplant
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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