I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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