There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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