I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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