u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
