I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
