Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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