I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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