well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
