I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
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