I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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