If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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