I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
