My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Randomize
