Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
