you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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