Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
