The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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