just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
