so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Randomize
