I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
