What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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