I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
