I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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