i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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